As 2009 has finished, and along with it high school, I've been in quite a reflective mood. The last couple of months since I finished school, all I have thought about is getting on with my life, but at the same time it has forced me to think about what I am leaving behind. I've never been a fan of school, but the safety and ability to coast through the years with everything laid out for you is something that now I am starting to appreciate. While I'm not feeling like I'll miss this sort of environment, seeing as I'm entirely motivated when it comes to what I'll be studying over the next three years (music), it's just something that I guess I've never really paid much attention to over the years.
The main thing which has bugged me over the last six months really, is that I don't feel that bad about leaving my friends behind. I'll be studying with two of my friends these next few years, but other than that I won't see anyone, unless an effort is made. I know I will barely see anyone anymore, but I don't really mind. I'll be quite happy to be rid of a few people I've been at school with, and a very large portion of others I wouldn't mind either way if I ever saw them again. But what I have come to realise out of this is that I am not great friends with many people at all. That's not to say that I don't have friends, or close friends for that matter, but I have never really had a solid group of close friends. Over the years my circles have changed, and really I've alway just had a few really close friends that I have stuck with. Other than that it has been mainly the sort of friends that you're only friends with because, well, you have to see each other everyday. The sort of friends that you never see over the holidays, but then when you run into them at the movies are like "oh man I haven't seen you in ages, we should catch up", but then you don't hear from them. Basically the sort of friends that obviously don't mean a great deal anyway.
So really, these friends that don't mean much to me, I might only see them a couple of times here and there, but otherwise will not have anything to do with in a years time. So why worry? The only people I really care about, the people I would ever think about again, are people that I will make an effort to keep in touch with; people that I also expect would make an effort to keep in touch with me.
Why am I thinking about it all this much then? Well, I think the main reason is that for now, I'm in limbo. Finished school, but still haven't started at tafe yet, which means I've left my old friends, though haven't made any new ones yet. Adding to this, I have spent a large part of the holidays working full time, and not catching up with anyone. The only people I have seen are really just my closest friends anyway, so being out of the bigger-group environment has left me feeling quite isolated... not lonely, but alone enough to get me thinking about all of this shit. Quite obviously I haven't been one to thrive in a big group environment anyway, but being away from all that has just driven it all home.
Over the next few years, I'll be studying music at Box Hill Tafe, which means I'll be around a lot of (hopefully) like-minded people, so I think that my social life will become more and more driven by my interests, namely music, and the things I have in common with people. Therefore I should be a really popular guy in a years time right? Yeah... right. Well either way, it will be interesting.
I think what I can really surmise from all of these thoughts is that it means I'm ready to move on, ready to start fresh, and to start actually living my life.
Or that I don't care about anyone.
Either of those...